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I Am Not Full of Shit After All… Part II

I guess letting go of the childhood training is not as easy as one might have wished. I still have some trouble setting boundaries and expressing my feelings, since it is difficult for me to speak up when I am feeling vulnerable. I do try to avoid conflict, but this time it is not because I’m scared of dealing with it. I truly believe that there are many other ways of understanding and processing people’s experiences and this is why I don’t like mind games. I don’t particularly believe in manipulating people to do as I wish because that creates a hierarchy that will always put someone on top and someone else at the bottom. Unless it is for sex, I don’t care much for tops or bottoms… lol. Any kind of relating I long for has to be side by side — surprising for a self-declared feminist uh! (Well, that is a completely different blog)

I do continue to work really hard on letting go of my judgments and I will try my best to see someone else’s side of the story even if that implies me getting hurt. After all, that is part of becoming vulnerable and learning how to trust. Now, I see conflict as a vehicle for self-growth and so I am learning to process it instead of reacting to it.

Upon introduction, I will try to show that I’m a bad ass and that I’m though. Reality is that I can actually take a lot since I do so much psychologically, physically and spiritually to keep myself together. I will talk about my dancing, my art, my Capoeira and all the crazy stuff I do to stay busy. You will see the little bruises on my arms and legs from my intense training and will hear my stories about the challenges I have encountered with several movements. Oh and please don’t get me started on headstands, unless you want a demonstration… lol But this is just one layer of who I am.

I used to want people to think I was though because I didn’t want them to see all the fear and pain that I had hidden. Now I share my passions with people because that is how I find myself and how I experience life. It is not surprising then that very few people have seen me dancing. “I’ve seen you dancing at a club,” some one might say and yes, that is part of it, but only few have seen me perform and know the secrets of my choreography. Actually throughout the years none of my few “potential” lovers have ever seen me on stage and just until recently had I danced so intensely for one. This is an experience worth remembering:

After offering my best Samba and Afro-Cuban moves, I remember lying in bed next to him. I was so drawn by his eyes. The moment was so intense, that I became overwhelmed. I got scared. I didn’t say anything. A few minutes passed. I was quite. I couldn’t say much. No I wasn’t distant. I so desperately wanted to be present. We heard voices outside and began to laugh. Oh my god, we’re both laughing, I thought. I panicked. My voice went away. I felt a knot in my throat. Oh how much I wanted to scream… Shit, I like you! I don’t know how it happened, but I really, really like you! I was too confused. My heart had “failed” me. It gave in. It wasn’t supposed to happen. No, I can’t say anything. I have to protect myself. I froze. Once again I remained silent.

I regretted that moment for a while, but then I understood that that was the best I could do at that given moment. I tried opening up and I did, but my growth had only taken me so far. It could not have been otherwise. Now I recognize it and I see it. It might be too late for some, but I dare to disagree. Had I not experienced that, I wouldn’t have known how it was to develop feelings for someone and to go beyond the physical. I wouldn’t have realized that I was scared and would have not recognized what triggered me to remain silent. Just as it happened in my beloved island, I opened up to the opportunity although it wasn’t completely. The important thing was that I tried, despite the fear. Who knows what will happen eventually, but I do treasure that moment for what it taught me about myself.

So after many years I discovered that I am not full of shit after all — well at least most of the time… lol I am who I am with my many qualities and defects. What I do have is much, much sweetness to give and my name does mean “sweet as honey”. If you want to know me better, I invite you to dance and laugh with me. In that intimate moment I will show you exactly who I am.

 

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